Just A Shadow

Today, I read a really beautiful blog. It would be a lie if I said I didnt turn to google for help. There I was, feeling a tad bit guilty as I type in every alphabet of her name and clicked the search button. Each and every one of her posts gave me the goosebumps. Sometimes I envy how my friends can get on really well with their dad. How they can just talk about everything, how they can just ride together in a car without having the need to start a conversation to avoid awkward silence.

I have a father that I see only approximately 15 minutes every day during dinner and thats if he doesnt already have other plans. Apart from that, he's always preoccupied. If not with work until 4 in the morning in his home office, then he's out. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't. Sometimes he makes jokes but I can't remember the last time he did. I grew up with friends that had their own share of family problems, so I've never really thought of mine. I've never really cared. At least, I thought I didnt. That moment when I read her blog, I realised how much it bothered me that I have never had a father who I could turn to. It feels like I'm wearing an inconspicuous black dress in a black themed party where I remain unseen and clearly not significant enough to be noticed. Every word I say seems to be inaudible or never important to be heard. Its true that he has changed but honestly, he has never even tried hard enough to get along. If we are his priority, then he would have made an effort already by now.

Yet he still remains the way he is.