Insanity

Why does it matter when  you are in a big circle of friends yet find yourself missing out on an inside joke. Why does it matter when you go through Facebook and find yourself staring at photos of a party your friends went that you didn't even know about. Why does it matter when you're there yet you feel like you aren't. Why does it even matter?

A question I ask myself every day. Why does it matter so much to fit in because if it doesn't then for fucks sake, why am I repeating the same mistake every goddamn year, the same people I pick, the same fucking pattern, why do I keep doing this to myself. Why does it matter what fucking size you are, or how you fucking look, why am I so fucking superficial, is a question I ask myself over and over again. According to Einstein, I am considered insane for expecting a different outcome when I repeat the same shit over and over again. 

We are all a fucking load of bullshit anyway.

Change

Change is bound to happen, even when you tell yourself you would never. It's inevitable. You grow up, your looks change, your personality changes, your music preferences change, your mind changes and things just don't stay the same. Nothing ever stays the same. So why bother get all moody and depressed when things change? I, myself realize that some things in my life need to change. I do realise. So before you read my tweets, see my facebook statuses or photos, see me walking on the streets, in university, or wherever or whatever, and say something along the lines of "she changed so much", stop and realise that I know it too, I look in the mirror too, I think about it too, it's not that I don't realize, I do but it's either I'm strong enough to go through these changes, now that is the question. Because at the moment, I'm trying. So please, give me a break.

Deflecting Pain

The first time I cut my wrist was when I was 13. I felt devastated and lost, after locking myself up in my room, with some hardcore music blasting out loud from the stereo, cutting myself seemed pretty normal at that time. It sounds ridiculous and idiotic now, but in my defense, I was 13. I got my tongue pierced when I was 14, I remember being depressed and I was pretty much at my lowest point so I decided to get a hole in my tongue. It was an impulsive decision. Every other kid pretty much judged me since then. A 14 year old girl with a tongue piercing? She's such a bad influence, yada yada yada. Funny thing is, all those kids that talked a whole load of bull back then, aren't so innocent now, are they? At the end of 2008, I got my belly pierced. I was in a huge fight with my mum so I skipped school and went to the city with some of my friends. I had always been afraid at the idea of a needle sticking through my navel but I did it anyway. At the end of 2011, I got my ear stretched. It was only for a month, thank god. I'm not into the whole ear gauge look. Imagine being 40 with a stretched ear lobe? Creepy.

Anyway, the point of this story is that I now realise that this is how I deal with my emotions. By deflecting pain, anger, sadness by inflicting pain to myself. Such a freak.

Green Light Means Go

Encountered in a near death experience last night where Joo Minn, Samantha and I almost died after running into a car driven by a drunk. Joo Minn was driving, I was sitting at the passenger seat and Samantha was at the back. It happened so fast, all I remember was looking down at the radio to change the song that was playing and I heard Joo Minn mumble something like "What's wrong with this fucking car?" and bam, everything blacked out. I don't think I passed out but I remember staying really still cause I couldn't register what just happened, I remember my ears were ringing, I remember the smell of the fumes, and the smoke, the fire, I remember running out of the car, gripping my laptop, I remember how I could feel my whole body ache and I was just hugging myself, I remember my glasses weren't with me and I couldn't see shit. It happened in less than 10 seconds and the other driver happened to be a materialistic bitch which makes things even worst. No one was badly injured, we just had slight bruises and my fingers still hurt. Oh thank god no one died.

Just Right Now

I can't seem to get over the fact how amazing life is right now. Never once have I felt this content, this feeling where you look forward to go to college, where you look forward to go home and wake up in such a good mood that everyone wonders what the hell is going on with you. Maybe its the fact that my friends and I make the most of every second we have. We don't bitch, we don't gossip, we don't waste time but instead we talk about the most illogical things you could ever imagine. If I had a video camera to record the special moments in my life, it would be everyday. 

Youre The Closest To Heaven

You'll always be a part of me

I'm a part of you indefinitely

Boy don't you know you can't escape me

Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think they'd understand

When everything is meant to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

I can't seem to describe this feeling. This desperate feeling of wanting to apologize to you. Of wanting forgiveness. Of wanting to turn back time. I keep rewriting this post. No right phrase or quote or sentence could ever let you know how I feel. You were always there for me. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I told you once before, my biggest fear was losing you. The day that you decide to walk away from my life, the day you CHOOSE to walk away from my life, will be the day I fear most next to the end of the world. But you left anyway, you left anyway.

Youth is Wasted On The Young

I believe we are lost souls, desperately searching for a sign but we keep on going the wrong way, stumbling on the wrong paths to the point that we don't know where the right one is anymore. I feel out of hope, out of reach, I feel so lost, I feel desperate. Like a blind person, reaching for something but not knowing what to expect and ends up falling into nothing but an empty space. How do I find myself when I don't know even know who I am? I am just so sick of this life, of the people I keep meeting, the same damn shit every single day. How do people not get tired of wasting such great energy on such idiotic things? For once, look at yourselves in the mirror? What do you see for god's sake? Aren't any of you tired of feeding white lies to your parents? Tired of impressing people every goddamn day? Tired of feeling regret every single time you check your wallet and remember how you wasted so much money on something so irrelevant? Look in the mirror, look at yourself. Look at those flaws, look at those mistakes you've done and how they reflect on your face. We are all just a bunch of damaged teenagers. Nothing special about us. How we say "this will be the best time of our lives", oh how we have forgotten that those things that we define as "fun" are the ones that are bringing us down to hell. 

Youth of Today

I was so depressed yesterday, I felt like the weight of a 35 ton lorry was about to crash on me. I honestly did. I felt like I was dead inside. Everything just felt wrong. Fortunately for me, the existance of my friends pretty much changed my mood from fucked up to awesome as hell. Hung out with great people yesterday and practically made a fool out of ourselves. If you were an outsider and witnessed the crazy shit we were doing, you would probably just shake your head and think we are just a bunch of low life kids but if you were a part of it, only then you would know how it feels. To be able to laugh that much just by doing silly legal stuff and enjoying ourselves made me wish like I could just pause at that moment and look at my friends' faces, just capture their expressions. Oh how happy we were. 

Believe Me

How do I let a you know that I no longer want part in this anymore? How do I convince you that this time its for real? That I give up, that I have no intention on continuing this, that I don't wany anything to do with you anymore. Its not a game, it never was. Believe me when I said we're done.

Once and For All

These days I finally realised whats reality.

Whats real, what I have been avoiding these past few months.

My feelings, my state of mind.

I was in denial.

Hideous

People these days would take hate to a whole new level, hating a person to the extend that they would ruin their lives. Naming every flaw they could see, making them feel more insecure than they already were. Don't you ever think what its like to be in their shoes? Going home everyday, lying on their bed and hating themselves for the way they look. Asking God, what have they done to deserve this, why werent they born with better looking features, carving scars on their faces, hating what they see in the mirror. Its what words do, really. What can you possibly earn by making someone feel so horrible about themselves?

Somebody I Used To Know

All I see is disgust and hatred whenever I look at you, nothing else. That anger you have in you destroyed everything, that sick monster living inside of you, that split identity you have. It killed everything. It ruined everything. It amazes me every time how you could call me the worst things and apologize five seconds after that. Don't you have sense in you? Or even the least bit of self control? I have lost count of how many times I wish I could just punch you in the fucking face or stab you with a knife but I would rather keep those dark thoughts to myself. Last night drew the line, how you told me to fucking leave when I was at my worst, how you told me I embarassed you when I was at my lowest point. Trust me bitch, this time I'll make sure karma gives you what you deserve. 

Lost And Yet To Be Found

Nights like these I wish I was brave enough to walk alone in the park with the stars accompanying me. Sometimes I feel like writing my own personal diary, with the whole "Dear diary" line as my start and just say the things I would like to say here but don't have the guts to. I long for someone I could talk to, someone who would just sit and listen, instead of silently judging me, instead of pushing my emotions away. Someone who would just focus on the things I need to say. The things I have been keeping to myself for so long. The little things that don't matter. Unfortunately, that person has yet to exist, or probably did, once upon a time. 

Lonely nights like these, I hate myself for not downloading all the disney movies I would never get bored of watching. Aladdin, Mulan, Tarzan, Beauty & The Beast, Tangled, Mulan. Not Cinderella.

Act of Desperation

I can never imagine how it feels to see the person you love walk away from you. Trying your damnest to pull it together, trying your best, trying to change yourself, for the sake of them staying. Yet it doesnt work, none of it does and all you could do is suck it up, watch them leave. The desperation you feel, makes you do things you thought you would never do. Then you try to avoid the situation, the heartbreak by destroying yourself, hoping you would forget. In fact, you do. For a second. But every night before you go to bed, before you fall asleep, you lay awake and stare at the empty ceiling, thinking about the things you wish you would just forget, hoping your thoughts would just disappear. And it never does.

Imperfections

Maybe, just maybe,

if I looked different,

you would treat me..

differently.

Blood, Tears and Gold

I don't think it ever occured to you how important you are in my life. I can feel that you're fading away, I can feel that we are becoming distant. Practically strangers. And to even imagine that I'll lose you one day, to another person, to God..scares me. Maybe we've been together for too long, maybe we're too young to even know what forever really means. Maybe I just stopped making you happy. Maybe I'm not good enough.

Take Me Away

I've been getting goosebumps for the past hour.

I am sad, I am depressed, I am alone and I wish I had someone I could talk to. Its not that I don't, Id rather not burden any of them with my problems, as if they don't have enough to deal with already. On the other hand, there's always you. But I'm so tired of getting commented, or judged for feeling sad. I am so sick of hiding my feelings. I can't help it if I'm sad, I can't help the fact that I care. God, its just so frustrating of how depressed I am. Id like to travel, go to places I've never been before. Stare at the city lights, watch the sun rises and eat food Ive never eaten before. I want to feel safe again.

A Thousand Years

I have been keeping in all my frustrations and disappointments, all bottled up. Maybe I've reached my limit, I didnt know what triggered my insane mood last night but I realised I meant every word I said. I am just so sick of being used and yet, treated less than what I deserve. You keep on saying that you're just 18 well fuck it man, last time I checked I just turned 17 two months ago and I'm not complaining, am I? No one, I repeat, no one has ever treated me that way. I used to believe that someday, things may be different and you'll change but that was just me denying reality. You, my love, will never change.

I Suffocate, I'm About To Drown

Its 4 in the morning and I can't seem to fall asleep. Its the 4th of December and in approximately 26 days, 2011 is meeting its end. Welcome to a new year. I vow to make things better, to make things work for not just me, but my family as a whole. Its been a long year, hasnt it?

I've been emotionally fragile lately or in other words, vulnerable. I guess I got sick of hearing complaints over and over again without seeing any changes. I got sick of hearing people talk about their problems and not wanting it fixed. I got sick of people judging everyone based on their facebook statuses. God, the coloumn says "whats on your mind" so if you hate seeing their updates on your news feed then delete those people for fucks sake and spare your sins already. I got sick of making plans to make things better. Fuck it, I'm only trying.

True That

My life has been filled with lots of unpleasant moments lately. But today, today I reached rock bottom. Despite the fact what happened approximately 4 hours ago threw a big impact to not just me but my family as well, I don't feel at all lost. To be honest, I actually felt..relieved. I felt like I could breathe again, like I could just be myself without having any insecurities or deal with unnecessary drama. For the first time in weeks, perhaps maybe months, at that precise moment, I don't feel the need to change. I felt absolutely fine being myself.