Lost And Yet To Be Found

Nights like these I wish I was brave enough to walk alone in the park with the stars accompanying me. Sometimes I feel like writing my own personal diary, with the whole "Dear diary" line as my start and just say the things I would like to say here but don't have the guts to. I long for someone I could talk to, someone who would just sit and listen, instead of silently judging me, instead of pushing my emotions away. Someone who would just focus on the things I need to say. The things I have been keeping to myself for so long. The little things that don't matter. Unfortunately, that person has yet to exist, or probably did, once upon a time. 

Lonely nights like these, I hate myself for not downloading all the disney movies I would never get bored of watching. Aladdin, Mulan, Tarzan, Beauty & The Beast, Tangled, Mulan. Not Cinderella.

Need You More Than Anything

I feel like my mind is compressed with so many thoughts and feelings, all jumbled up together. So many emotions yet I choose to mask this confusion and depression with a happy face. Not that I'm saying I've been faking all this while, but it is rare for me to be happy these days except for that one Tuesday where my three friends and I stayed in, played monopoly. I was truly calm that day. I don't get to feel calm all the time anymore. Talking to you made things easier, you understand, you always do.

Devastated

The moment of truth. Today passed by in a blur and the extremely hot weather didnt help make anything better. The 21st of April. Today opened my eyes. I'm nothing special, not now, at least. My best friend managed to cheer me up though.

"When I didn't get into my choice of University last year, my friend said Sebab tu rukun iman ada percaya pada Qada' dan Qadar. Rezeki kita lain lain, best believe He knows better."

No word or expression can describe this fucked up feeling but on a brighter note, I'll be leaving for Penang Island this weekend with my friends. Hopefully this will take my mind off things, even if its just for the weekend. A million of people can comfort you and say tons of comforting words, but the worst feeling that you could ever possibly feel is not just disappointing your parents but being disappointed in yourself. Feeling like you're not good enough. Its not that I didn't try my best, I swear I did but apparently, as always, my best isn't good enough. Ya Allah, only He knows how devastated I am. 

Noelle Part 1

It was a cold Saturday night and the clock showed it was 4 am, yet Noelle was laying on her bed, still wide awake. She stared at the glowing stars pasted on the ceiling with the cheap sticky glue she stole from the convenience store, listening to her playlist that was named "Sleep" in her iTunes on repeat. Her speakers were blasting Remembering Sunday by All Time Low and quickly she covered her head with her favourite pink pillow. Noelle sighed. The song brought back memories, memories she didn't want to remember, memories she loved and hated all at the same time. "How could you?" Noelle flashbacked to how Sam used to pick her up at 2 in the morning just so they could grab a cup of coffee and ate instant noodles from a cup in the car, listening to crappy songs and stare at the stars. "How could you?"

Act of Desperation

I can never imagine how it feels to see the person you love walk away from you. Trying your damnest to pull it together, trying your best, trying to change yourself, for the sake of them staying. Yet it doesnt work, none of it does and all you could do is suck it up, watch them leave. The desperation you feel, makes you do things you thought you would never do. Then you try to avoid the situation, the heartbreak by destroying yourself, hoping you would forget. In fact, you do. For a second. But every night before you go to bed, before you fall asleep, you lay awake and stare at the empty ceiling, thinking about the things you wish you would just forget, hoping your thoughts would just disappear. And it never does.

Happy Birthday Cik Jo !

So much has happened in the past few weeks. First off, I quit working for Topshop due to the fact that I couldn't really get along with my colleagues. It was like, being in highschool again except that I was working with 25 year old women stucked with a 17 year old mind. I swear. Anyway, I started working at the cinema in Subang Parade and and I love my job. Everyone feels like family.

On the 28th of February, my dear colleagues threw a suprise birthday feast for my manager, Cik Jo. Everyone snuck in Hall 5 after the cinema was closed. Somehow one of our colleagues managed to convince Cik Jo to check Hall 5. It took some time though. The minute he walked in, we threw a bunch of coloured balloons and blasted this video of us on the big screen. He was most definitely suprised. The night ended with good cake, good food and awesome company.